WV Executive

In the 1987 surprise hit comedy, Baby Boom, Diane Keaton's character, marketing guru J.C. Wyatt, swallows the thought of becoming a partner in her consulting firm while dining on a power lunch in a Manhattan restaurant. J.C.'s boss dangles the idea in front of her, just before serving the next course of questions that are mixed with marriage, motherhood and management. After sensing such a climb on the corporate ladder hinged on her plans of becoming a Mrs. and a Mama, J.C. silences her boss with a response that many women have heard themselves recite.

"Forget it," she says with diligence. "I don't want it all."

In the 1987 hit comedy, Baby Boom, Diane Keaton's character J.C. Wyatt tackles the issues of becoming a partner in her consulting firm, marriage and motherhood. When she realizes she won't be promoted if she adopts a child she says, "Forget it, I don't want it all."

Life changed shortly thereafter.

Mum's the Word

An article was recently posted on the British Web site, handbag.com, titled "Mums Who Work." The author, Darren Taffinder, writes: "Just as there is nothing wrong with a woman giving up her career to look after the kids, there is also nothing vulgar about a woman going back to work after the birth of her child because she wants to."

The decision to return to the office rather than to the nursery (when it appears as though some mothers do not have to) is a topic of great debate as more emphasis is placed on home and family in a post 9/11 era. Award-winning author and parenting coach, Mimi Doe, explains in her monthly newsletter, Spiritual Parenting, that there are two leading sources of regret in people's lives-failing to make the most of opportunities and not finding balance between career and family. The challenge of making choices that allow a woman to become a mother, cultivate a promising career, enjoy friends and interests, achieve her dreams and avoid regret is an obstacle that few tackle with ease. In her book, Busy but Balanced, Doe states that women have been tricked into thinking that they cannot have all of the above. She lectures that professional success does not have to come at the expense of a joy-filled family. In addition, she stresses that women are going to experience setbacks in their lives, but it certainly is not due to their lack of trying or hard work.

Incorporating motherhood into a flourishing career is big business for two Charleston women. Both believe life's work can be a perfect blend of career and family.

A Banker's Hours

Ann Vincent-Urling is a married mother of three children and a senior vice president at Summit Community Bank. Headquartered in Charleston, Urling specializes in all types of consumer, small business and commercial lending. A graduate of West Virginia University, the West Virginia School of Banking and the West Virginia Graduate School of Banking, Urling is the epitome of a modern working mother. While managing the total staff of four branch locations, as well as the active lives of her family members, she is involved, organized and unflappable. However, before one can become an expert juggler, one must first learn how to master the balancing act.

"Before my husband and I had kids, we would throw a few things into a suitcase, jump into the convertible and take off for a long weekend somewhere," she recalls. "Now, we don't have the luxury of that type of spontaneity. We now have to make a plan. Who will watch the kids? What activities do the kids have going on while we're gone? How does all of this factor into our scheduling?"

In her book, Busy but Balanced, Doe tackles this issue by asking mothers to consider the daily rhythm of their lives. It may not be possible to travel to exotic locations, hike the Appalachian Trail or dance in the moonlight, but it is possible to experience those historic moments in smaller ways-ones that can be accomplished in everyday life. By remaining open and accepting of change and new situations, all that seems out of balance seems to find its way back to the center again.

With each of her three pregnancies, Urling took seven weeks of maternity leave. During these absences, she continued to serve as a bank officer which forced her to be on call for consultations and emergencies, even though she was physically out of the office. "I felt torn," she explains. "I needed to spend more time with my baby, but my employer needed me."

"The apple never falls far from the tree," and Urling is no exception to this expression. As she watched her own mother care for their family and maintain a career, Urling believed that she was to do the very same in life-balancing a career and children in a way that benefited everyone and everything. Doe argues against this action in her book, stating that women should create their own lives as opposed to inheriting the actions of their parents, assuming they are conflicted about those choices. "Honestly, I always felt the drive to 'have it all'," she begins. "I want my kids to know that I love them and how much I love spending time with them. But, Mommy has a career and that is important, too."

Does having it all allow women to use the word "but" in the same sentence? But what can be done about having to work so hard to make it all operate like clockwork? "The pressure I feel as a working mother is trying to be the best mother, the best wife, the best employee, the best friend, the best sister and so on," she states. "There is pressure in never really being able to be my very best because of the many varying, conflicting demands between work and family."

Is it possible for a woman not to sacrifice and still have it all? "I feel like it was expected of me to be a working mom. I felt judged for not working and being at home. After the birth of my first child, my husband and I moved back to West Virginia, and I took several months off from work to stay home with the baby," she explains. "I loved my child, but I needed the interaction with other adults. I missed the feeling that I had accomplished something definite and that was the day I made the decision to return to work. I felt like I was a better, more patient mom when I was working."

As a mother of a baby who catnapped, Urling felt as though the 24-hour day rolled into the next without a break to catch her breath, or a shower for that matter. While reclaiming the sense of serenity and intellectual challenge her career provided, she became more knowledgeable and seasoned with the arrival of her next two children. "I am lucky with my third baby because I have the best childcare arrangement that I have ever had," she smiles. The Urlings chose to hire a full-time nanny to care for their infant daughter, Ashton, in addition to watching their older children, Alec and Morgan, when they arrive home from school. The nanny assists with homework and prepares their afternoon snacks, sees to it that their chores are complete and takes them to their after-school activities, medical appointments included. The Urlings also retain the services of a housekeeper who cleans their South Hills home every other week. "I need the extra help so that I can spend time with my kids and husband," she says.

What does the well-balanced life cost working mothers? Are some careers simply too lucrative to give up? If the financial commitments of childcare and other forms of household management are not enough, how do the emotional and physical requirements of being a professional mother tax the mind, body and soul? As Urling dissects the anatomy of her marriage and their livelihood, she speaks candidly about how her decision to be a working mother evolved. "I have several friends who are at home with their kids all day, and they are stressed to the max, which those children pick up on. Sometimes, their husbands treat them unequally when it comes to money issues because they are not directly contributing to the family's income. When I am with my kids, I am tuned into them and their needs. I truly enjoy being with them, and I don't feel suffocated," she states. Urling went on to explain that she and her husband, Chip, the owner of a promotional products company called Image By Design, are in the midst of a "10-year plan" in which they intend to move to a warmer climate once their children enter college. "My income allows us to do this more quickly and still maintain a very comfortable lifestyle," she says.

Women who choose to sacrifice their careers to care for their children, especially newborns, commonly report that money is not everything when it comes to sacrificing a well-paying job. On the flipside, some working mothers do not have to rely on a paycheck to keep the home fires burning. For some women like Urling, loving their profession is the greatest benefit and possibly, the easiest part of leaving their children every day. She transfers lessons learned in her personal life to those at the office, which makes her a better leader. "Since I am a mom, I am more understanding than some managers. I try not to schedule meetings late in the day or very early in the morning so that consideration is given to issues such as daycare and illness. I try to be reasonable in my expectations and allow as much flexibility in my staff members' schedules as I can allow," she begins. "I coach them on things that I have learned from experience, such as you cannot have too many back-up babysitters, and I offer suggestions as I can. My approach to the workplace is very much like my approach to family life."

Urling prioritizes daily to-do lists at work and at home. During the course of the day, she takes time to evaluate and re-evaluate the way she is doing things and the rate at which she is accomplishing objectives to see if there is room for improvement. "I am very lucky that I have a lot of control over my schedule so that if I need to break away to attend a school function or to do something with my kids and family, I have the flexibility to do so," she says.

In Doe's book about attaining a life longed for, she reminds women that living a balanced life every single minute is impossible, especially if they are raising children. Relationships, careers, physical activity, soulful growth, home, money and parenting are all intertwined, she writes. However, when one area of life is simply overworked, the results are downright painful.

Is There a Doctor in the House?

Dr. Dara Aliff is an obstetrician and gynecologist who recently joined the booming practice of West Virginia Physicians for Women, located at Charleston Area Medical Center's Women and Children's Hospital. A graduate of Marshall University and the West Virginia School of Osteopathic Medicine, Aliff soared to the top of her class academically and as student body president, then served for a year as chief resident during her advanced training. Armed with an expensive education and years of diligent and grueling preparations for her medical career, Aliff added another rotation to her life-motherhood-just as her career was about to take off. "My decision to be a working mother was, at first, a reflex," she explains. "It was how I was raised, and I so admired my mother's seemingly effortless ability to do it all."

Aliff had nearly completed her residency when her daughter, Meredith, was born. After a six-week maternity leave, she returned to work and dealt with separation anxiety and all of the related physical changes that she had only witnessed until then. "It was difficult at times pumping breast milk in my call room, spending entire nights away from Meredith and the embarrassing moments of my own bodily reactions! But, I was quickly embraced by other working mothers, and I learned their secrets."

What are the secrets of working mothers? How do successful women manage to do it all and still recognize themselves in the mirror each morning? "The pressure at times feels overwhelming," Aliff exhales. "I think that for all women of child bearing age, even the ones with no children, face very unique societal pressures. We are to be 'Super Women.' We feel the external judgments that if we don't raise perfectly groomed, perfectly behaved children who find a cure for cancer-we have failed as mothers. If we don't put beautiful, healthy gourmet meals on the table every night-we have failed our families. If we don't succeed in our professions at the highest level and shatter the glass ceiling by age 30, we have failed our gender."

Aliff counsels her own patients to try and turn off the external noises of society and the media to silence the voices nagging and scolding in their minds. She advises them to take a day, if not a full weekend to concentrate on what they truly want to do and be. She encourages her new mothers to slow down and listen to their inner needs, problems and conflicting emotions. This holistic approach to patient care helps women reach their ultimate decisions ranging from when to have children, to when to work, to resign, breast or bottle feed.

Even the best doctors have to take a dose of their own medicine every now and then. "I would be lying if I said I never considered giving up my profession for motherhood," she surrenders. "Every time my daughter backslides with potty training or has a mishap at daycare, I think-'This would not be happening if I were home with her'."

Aliff explains that the time she spent with Meredith while on maternity leave was an extremely telling time in her life. "Being at home is a hard job. In many ways, it is harder than being at work for me. I think that this is because I love my career. I love my patients and my interactions with them. From the moment that I realized I wanted to be a physician, I was passionate about it."

She goes on to say that as with all passions, there are highs and lows. "But, I need that part of my life," she continues. "I feel that I am a better parent because of my time with my colleagues and patients. Likewise, I hope that I am a better and more compassionate physician because of my daughter."

Aliff describes her life as having major stumbling blocks along the way that gave her a new perspective on her true self. She explains that every pain that a person experiences enables what she calls "an awesome opportunity" to learn and gather expertise. "I wish that my husband and I had realized how important it was to keep time for ourselves before we got so busy with careers and parenting," she reveals. "It may have saved our marriage."

Aliff and her ex-husband remain close friends, and they share active roles in their daughter's life. Despite their experiences, both Urling and Aliff are pleased with their choices to be professional mothers, and they claim few regrets about the paths they have pursued.

Can a woman do it all and have it all with minimal sacrifice? Many working mothers admit that although it is possible to enjoy a successful career and raise loving, caring and achieving children, the rewards do not all come at the same time. Doe believes that success in all aspects of life comes to those women who have created a balance between striving and serenity, effort and yielding. Very simply, she claims that the happiest people are the ones pursuing their heart's desires.

In an era of Baby Boomers, Baby Busters, Gen X'ers, Tweens and Teens, there is also a generation of working mothers in the world who are choosing full and complete lives that work for them, their families and employers. Call them what you wish, but these women live securely with their personal and professional decisions... no ifs, ands or baby buts about it.